Jalebi Life

There is a famous Aesop’s Fable – The Man, the Boy, and the Donkey. We all have read it when we were children.

Did we infer the moral of the story? Yay! We did.

Did we ever apply the moral in our lives? Not so much.

Well, I was a people pleaser, once upon a time. I would try to please everybody around me – my parents, friends, relatives, teachers, housemaids, and everybody else who were even remotely a part of my life (even those on the periphery). What people thought of me was important to me and what was even more important was that they like me. In my quest to be more likable and important to others, I kept pushing the Aesop’s fable further and further away into my subconscious.

Result? Disappointment, heartbreaks, despondency, etc. The harder I tried, greater the dejection.

One day I thought to myself, “Enough of everything. Let me just be me. From now on, I will do only what I believe is right, and will not be afraid to say “No” ever.”

Result? There has been no looking back. The past few years have been quite a lesson.

Being important to someone, I admit, is a wonderful feeling. But there is a huge difference between being important to people and pleasing them and being important should not come at a cost of losing your self-respect while trying to please them.

Today, to most of the people around me, I am a strong-willed, rebellious woman. But I consider myself to be feisty. Today, I truly believe in every decision I make and every word I speak. Yes, I have my moments of weakness, like we all do. But they do not deter me from my path of righteousness.

Here are my thoughts on making yourself important for yourself and for others:

1. Give yourself the importance you want others to give you, they will follow suit. Always remember, people only respect those who respect themselves.
2. Do not seek validation. Fact check – You cannot please everybody on this planet. So, instead, please yourself. Do what makes you happy. If you do not want to be on Tinder, do not be on Tinder. It does not make you any less cool a person. You cannot let other people roll out your actions for you.
3. Learn to differentiate between what is right and what is wrong and have courage to stand by what you believe is right.
4. Choose your battles wisely. Support people who you love and believe in, guide them, and empower them, but do not fight their battles for them. Not every battle is your battle.
5. Learn to say “No”. There is no shame in saying “No” when you do not believe in or agree to something. Do not let people take advantage of the fact that you cannot say “No” to them. Trust me, the moment you start taking a stand and saying “No”, people start taking you seriously.

Do remember, when you are important to somebody, they do not try to mould you according to their wishes. They always empower you to be who you are. And when somebody tries to change you, it is time you change the status.

Be important. Be you.

She said to me, “I never got a chance in life, but I do not want you to lose yours. People do not respect women who are financially dependent.”

Since the time I can remember, the person who has had the most influence in my life is my mother. I have grown up with her not just in numbers, but as a person. Having studied in a Hindi-medium school herself, she fought for me and put me in an English-medium co-ed school. When I was a kid, I saw her toiling all day, cleaning, cooking, taking care of me and my father, providing for our needs, all single-handedly. She always sang as she worked and her voice was like a lullaby to me. As I started going to school, she became my teacher (She thought tuitions were a waste of money and time). She taught me everything – Physics, Chemistry, Maths, Biology till class 10. It always amazed me how good she was in all these subjects. I saw her taking care of finances and mentoring my dad in his work. She always knew how to handle a situation, however difficult or stressful it may be. For me she was my super-woman. However, the one thing she always said to me was, “Study hard or you will end up like me.” I never quite understood the irony until now.

I, like many other women today, started working before I got married (those were my golden years). I worked for a few years after marriage and then one day I decided to quit, take a break and relax for some time. Life happened and the break extended and before I knew it, I was a housewife. It was then that I understood the meaning of what my mother kept saying all those years. I have been a student, a working woman, a married working woman and a housewife and trust me when I say this, being a housewife is the toughest of them all.

My experience as a housewife has made me grow. And when I say this, I speak for all the housewives out there. It has taught me patience and perseverance. It has taught me to stand in the face of adversities and deal with them, without fear and anxiety.

There is nothing that a housewife cannot do – people management, stress management, budget allocation, punctuality, problem-solving, decision making, you name it and she can do it, yet being one is the most under-estimated profession of all – a penniless, thankless job. If she falls ill for a day, the entire household comes to a standstill, because like it or not, everybody, including the bread-earner of the family is dependent on her. She works hard day after day, takes care of the smallest of problems of everyone in the family and does all of this without any pay cheque or holidays. And then she is termed – unemployed. Imagine the amount of frustration and disappointment!

It is high time we give housewives what they truly deserve – love, respect and most importantly recognition. Do not force it on someone, let it be a choice. Do not make your mother / wife / daughter / sister / friend think any less of herself if she is a housewife. Do not call her unemployed just because she does not receive a pay cheque for the hard work she does. Do not let any housewife feel the need to say to her daughter, “study hard or you might end up like me.”

Summers were very hot, Winters were very cold, it rained heavily during monsoons, the red Gulmohar tree just outside the courtyard bloomed exuberantly during spring, and beautiful cool breeze blew during autumn. One could see sparrows chirping happily on the veranda as the sun’s rays poured in kindly. Crows were a common sight too. The aroma of morning tea would fill the house and the entire neighbourhood as everyone got ready for the day ahead. Tiny feet ran down the stairs as the school bus/taxis pulled up to pick up the kids for school, anxious parents ran behind with water bottles and tiffin boxes. Women after having sent the kids to school sat on the veranda chopping vegetables and chatting as they prepared for lunch. Afternoons were usually quiet when people after having a full hearty meal tried to get some rest, and a few like me who studied to escape from their mother’s beatings. But everyone waited for the evening. Hustle bustle filled the evening air, as children ran from one corner of the roof to another playing tag and hide and seek. Teenage girls sat in a corner and giggled while talking about their latest crush. The middle benches were usually occupied by women who gossiped loudly about their day while keeping an eye out for their children. Men sat in the courtyard sipping tea and having a hot debate on either politics or cricket. The cricket ball flew around from one corner to another as boys tried to imitate Tendulkar, Ganguly and Dravid. Almost every house had Doordarshan and Wednesdays and Sundays were most awaited when the entire family would sit together and watch Chitrahaar and Rangoli and sway to catchy Bollywood numbers. We had landlines then, telephone as we used to call it. It was mostly used to make only local calls, std calls were made only when required. Then came the basic mobile phone. It served the same purpose, but it had the advantage of being portable. We were all living happy, peaceful, contented lives when one day – Boom! Came the smartphone.

I am sure everyone knows what a smartphone is. A small device, the size of a small rat, which lets you carry the world in your pocket. Earlier the only exposure we had outside our locality was through television, but now we could sit in one corner of a continent and keep a tab on everything happening across the globe. The smartphone promised so much and delivered too. Everything became just a click away. International news, online shopping, entertaining videos, entertainment apps, you name it and you have it on this tiny device, it became a mini TV too. Life became so much easier. You could connect to people far away, living in a different continent, talk to them, look at them through video chats, conduct business easily, buy stuff online when you cannot go to the market, capture anything you want to instantly, it even let you take beautiful selfies.

We got so caught up with everything this little device had to offer that today we dread to spend a day without it. We cannot imagine what it is to live without smartphones, and that too when a lot of us have lived more than 20 years of our lives without it. Admit it or not, we have become the “smartphone slaves”. You go anywhere, metro, bus stands, shopping malls, parks, you see people glued to their phones. Yes, we have connected with people far away but are we really connected? Life has become less about living and more about showcasing. Things that we do are not worthy enough if we cannot flaunt it.

There was a time, I remember when my dad came home, my parents would sit together in the balcony and talk about their day, they would talk for hours. But now when my husband comes home, we are glued to our phones, writing mails, buying groceries, or just watching Netflix.

All of us, we are so busy that we forget to take a break, smile at a stranger, play with children, talk to our family, and ask them “How was your day?”.

Yes, I am a 90s kid, and yes, I miss those days; those good old days when we had lesser luxuries, lesser technology, lesser sources of entertainment but we were happy, because we had a lot of time for one another, and we were able to find happiness in the smallest of things. We could not click a lot of pictures then, but we made memories. And, to relive memories, you do not have to look through your phone’s gallery or laptop’s folder, you just close your eyes and there it is, fresh as ever. 🙂

I still feel a pit in my stomach as I write this. A few days back there was this news about a suicide that took the entire nation by storm. At first, I could not believe my ears when my husband relayed the news to me. It got me thinking about depression and the number of suicide cases that happen in our country and globally. In my last post I had talked about how India is the 6^th most depressed country in the world and how high the suicide rates are.

In my extended family, friends, and acquaintances I have heard about suicide cases and every time they have left a void within me. I feel this unfathomable pain every time I hear of something like this; I cannot even begin to imagine the amount of pain felt by the loved ones of these people. I extend my condolences to them and pray that god give them the strength to steer through the unwarranted times.

It has been 3 days and I have been thinking and thinking and I have had so many thoughts in my head that I feel confused and angry. The social media has been pouring in a lot of #RIPs. All of a sudden everybody seems to understand depression, everybody is available to talk, to understand and, to guide. There have been so many posts and re-posts. What we people fail to understand is that had we been a little more sensitive, a little more considerate, and a little more understanding, the situation would never have come to this. Depression does not happen overnight; it is not a mood that we feel today and that shall pass tomorrow. It happens when a lot of small things, feelings, rejections, bullying culminate together over years and take the form of a monster that a depressed person cannot just get out of his head no matter how hard he tries. 

Actions hurt and so do words. Every time we bully someone for their physical traits, every time we ignore someone when they smile at us, every time we laugh at someone for their opinions and their life choices, every time we speak harsh words and belittle someone, we act and we forget, but these actions and words sometimes remain engraved so deep inside in that someone’s memory that it becomes toxic, making them weak to the core and feasting on their self-confidence and self-respect – the two things most essential to lead a peaceful life. When someone decides to end their life, we complain that they should have reached out, that this was not the only way out but what we do not realise is that we are the ones who are responsible to have pushed these people to the brink which for them is a point of no return. They are not able to trust us because when they do try to reach out (and believe me, they try very hard), we are quick to judge and brush their concerns as silly. What we fail to understand is that what is silly for us might be a big deal for them. There is not just black and white, there is grey as well, and a whole lot of other colors.

Please, as a society, let us introspect, and make conscious efforts to be more empathetic, considerate, and approachable. Let us look out for signs in those around us; there are people around us who are battling depression, let us help them. Mental health is not a taboo, it is a medical condition which requires treatment, let us treat it that way. Let us make this world a better place. Let us love more and judge less.

And to those who are into depression and those who feel suicidal, I would like to say, you are brave, you have faced so many odds, you are a warrior. I know you have tried; I know it is tough; but try some more and fight some more. Fight with all your might. Seek help. Take one day at a time. Have faith, there is always a silver lining. Believe me, You Are Precious, and you deserve to live a long, healthy, and happy life.

When I was 10 years old, I remember asking my mother to buy me a bicycle. Most of my friends came to school on their own bicycles, or walked, or those who lived far came by bus. I was the only girl in my class to go by a rickshaw. It was only a practical thing to do since I lived closer to the school, and my mother was too over-protective to let me go alone. So, she hired a rickshaw-wala who would drop me to school in the morning and bring me back home at noon. He was a young man of around 20. Every morning he would come early at the same time to pick me up and ring his bell loudly and every afternoon he stood under the scorching heat of the sun, chewing guthka, sweat dripping down his tired face, waiting for me. He had recently gotten married and he whistled and sang loudly as he rode his rickshaw. His happiness was quite evident from his beaming countenance as I sat behind him with a surly face, feeling humiliated by his demeanour. But I was only 10.

My mother said, “Get a distinction this year, and I will get you a bicycle.” I found it to be a fair bargain, worked hard day and night and got a distinction. My mother held her side of the bargain and got me a bicycle. My joy knew no bounds, I rode it happily and regularly for a few months until I got bored, and then it lay there silently in the garage gathering dust. Once in a while on its lucky days I took it out to ride it again, but by then I had a new fascination – Video Game.

Back then if someone would have asked me, “Are you happy?”, I would have answered probably a yes or a no depending on my wishes being fulfilled or not. However, now when I think about it, I realise that I was happy for a while whenever I got what I wanted but my mind was never at ease. I soon got bored of one thing and wanted another and this cycle continued for many years to come. I was never content and happiness without contentment is short-lived.

Often I have heard people saying, “I am not happy” or “Taking this trip would make me happy” or “buying this new car would make me happy” or “I wish I had a boyfriend/girlfriend, I would be so happy!”. So, yesterday, as I sat sipping a hot cup of tea in my balcony, overlooking a tree, I thought to myself, “Why are we not happy?”

If we look at statistics, there has been a significant rise in the number of depression cases in India. According to Economic Times, “the contribution of mental disorders to the total disease burden has doubled in India from 1990 to 2017.” According to a WHO report, worldwide, depression has increased by 18% from 2005 to 2015, with India being the 6^th most depressed country. With a suicide rate of 10.9 per lakh people, suicide in India is one of the biggest causes of deaths in the age group of 15-24.

Why is this happening?

I believe the problem is that we know our destination, but we do not know which path to tread. We are not satisfied; we want more of everything. We are chasing our notion of happiness with all our might and in turn it is running further away from us. The faster the chase, bigger the gap. Social media also does its fair share in amplifying things up. We compare our lives with those of our peers and constantly deal with the pressure of keeping up. This pressure becomes so deadly that it gnaws at the very root of a happy life – contentment.

Just yesterday I was discussing with my husband about how far we have come as a couple, understanding the little nuances of life, trying to build a life together. Ours was an arranged marriage and I believe every marriage whether it is love or arranged comes with its fair share of troubles. We too had our own highs and lows as my husband is a man of few words and I am one of those people who do not know how to shut up. Sometimes the sun shone bright through the windows, its rays filtering through the red drapes and finding their way into our hall, and sometimes the days were damp and dark and gloomy as ever.

We humans worry too much. We over think things, and worry, and over think again and then worry some more. This becomes a vicious circle, which leaves us confused, exhausted, and exasperated. We long for periods of happiness, and when happiness arrives, we are worried that it may not last long. And hence, we often live in this environment of fear, anxiety, and misery.

After much thought and many experiences I have now understood that happiness is something very simple, yet very complicated; it is a beautiful form of human emotion that can be found internally as well as triggered externally (not by mere materialistic pleasures).

Finding happiness internally is all about cultivating a constant feeling of peace and contentment within oneself. We need to look within and connect with our true spirit. In doing so, meditation goes a long way. It has been proven to reduce stress levels, control anxiety and promote mental and emotional wellness. And the best part is that it can be done anywhere and anytime.

It can also be found externally by doing simple things that would make us happy, and one of the best ways to do it is connecting with our loved ones. Spending time with those around us may sound like a chore in this new age of technology, but trust me, it is a tried and tested therapy that works wonders. Sometimes, just listening to our mother speak, spending time with our spouse, playing with the children, and having that one friend to unburden our load is all it takes to be truly, blissfully happy.

Talk to people; there is nothing in this whole world that a long conversation with someone who is willing to listen cannot fix. Appreciate life for what it is, let bygones be bygones, stop worrying about the future and take every second as it comes. Live, laugh, love because it is the little things that matter the most and that make us happy and whole.